


here they sung about tomorrow (and tomorrow never came)

by Forestgreengirl



Series: so wake me up when this is over (when im wiser and im older) [5]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Brotherly Affection, CC-6116 | Kix Is A Mess, CT-6116 | Kix Needs A Hug, Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Hurt No Comfort, I'll give you three guesses what this is about, Panic Attacks, Post-Order 66, Protective Siblings, Rituals, Sad Ending, Star Wars: The Clone Wars Season 7 Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts, There is no romance here, Unhappy Ending, sibling dynamics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-13
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:53:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24159949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Forestgreengirl/pseuds/Forestgreengirl
Summary: there's a grief that can't be spoken,there's a pain that goes on and on,empty chairs at empty tables,now all my friends are dead,and goneor(kix wakes up alone in the future.)
Relationships: CT-5597 | Jesse & CT-6116 | Kix, CT-6116 | Kix & CT-7567 | Rex, CT-6116 | Kix & Clone Troopers, Kix & 501st
Series: so wake me up when this is over (when im wiser and im older) [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1678885
Comments: 8
Kudos: 82





	here they sung about tomorrow (and tomorrow never came)

**Author's Note:**

> title from “empty chairs at empty tables” from Les Mis
> 
> Canon is the clay we mold

Kix can remember a time way before he was thrown headfirst into the war, back when war still seemed so far away from him, despite knowing how close it was; back when he was just a number, back when it was him, and Jesse, and his brothers together. He remembers making promises in the dark as he desperately begged whatever higher power was out there, that when they went, his brothers would go quickly. 

He pretends he cannot remember the nights spent sitting alone, quietly hoping that he would be the first to go out of him and Jesse, out of him and his  _ vode. _ He didn’t want to stand in front of his brother's graves, and didn't want to face the possibility that he would one day be alone. 

_ “You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Obviously.”  _

He didn't want to explain to Jesse how some nights he woke up with his chest tight enough to  _ burn.  _ How he could never remember his dreams beyond the feeling of cold biting into his skin, and holding his brothers cracked and bloody helmets in his hands. 

_ “Hey Kix! Why do you look like Fives when we dunked mud on him??” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Nothing dumbass, it's just me having to see your face this early.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Shut up”  _

  
  


********

Waking up is disorentating, he can’t quite remember what happened before  _ (someone grabbed him, and something was injected in him and th-)  _ his head hurts just as badly as that one time Fives dropped a bucket from the floor above of him, leaning recklessly over the side.

The memory pulls a grin to his face, he simultaneously hated and loved Fives. The grin slides off his face at the thought of him, he can still remember how panicked Fives looked the last time he saw him, how his  _ ori’vod  _ had sounded so rushed and terrified as he rambled about chips, and orders, and something coming. 

_ “Kix promise me you’ll do something, promise me that you’ll make sure our brothers are safe.”  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Fives you're not making any sense.”  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Just trust me, please.”  _

Kix barely had time to process it, before Fives was gone, before Fives was gone and Kix had this information that he had  _ no idea  _ what to do with. There’s something hollow in his chest when they get the news about Fives being on. It’s something he can’t quite wrap his head around. Five’s was supposed to always be there, cracking jokes with the  _ vode _ , and pissing off the Captain.

The only reason Kix hasn't passed out then and there was the way Jesse had a comforting arm around his shoulder. That’s the thing with Jesse, he was always there when Kix needed him, it was honestly stranger when he would look over his shoulder and  _ not  _ see Jesse there. 

  
He wasn't ashamed to admit that Jesse was his best friend, and how some days Jesse was the only thing stopping him from putting a blaster in his mouth. Being a medic was horrible, his hands feel like they’re permanently stained red from the brothers he  _ failed  _ to save. It hurt honestly, knowing that brothers are dying and it's  _ his  _ fault.

“ _ Where you go, I go, remember.”  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Yeah.. yeah I do.”  _

Kix drags himself out of the broken wreckage of the ship he had somehow found his way in, he still cant remember how he properly got there, something blocking his memory beyond phantom feelings, and memories. 

  
Focuses instead on where he is, what’s around them, just like what the Captain has taught them. 

He spots something out the corner of his eye, something tinted blue that had been buried in the dirt. Walking closer he notices the shape, something familiar about the chipped blue paint, and the red tinted cog symbol, that while faded, had remained there on the cracked helmet. 

Even through the haze in his head, leaving him confused and very  _ very  _ nervous. 

Dropping to his knees, he pulls the helmet from where it's been lodged half into the dried dirt. Distantly he can feel his hands shaking from how tight he's gripping his helmet, he hopes to gods that he's wrong, his mind is muddled and he still isn't 100% sure of what's going on; but he can recognize the helmet of the  _ vode.  _

_ (“Jesse don’t you dare! Keep the blue Away from my face.”  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Come on Kixie! Are you scared!?”)  _

His eyes quickly search the face of the helmet, searching for the pattern that he could recognize anywhere. He takes in the chips of black paint, trying to piece together the missing pattern, something he could recognise easier than his own armour. He knows that sometimes ignorance is bliss, but he  _ needs  _ to make sure it isn't Jesse. 

His eyes piece the final picture together, he drops the shaking helmet into the dirt, eyes suspiciously wet. He doesn't know what happened, Jesse was  _ fine  _ the last time he saw him, he doesn't know how it could have changed. 

Maybe it was a mission? And Jesse had to leave his helmet here, maybe it got knocked away and they didn't have time to go back for it? He feels like he’s going to puke, this  _ can’t  _ be the last thing he can find of his best friend. 

_ (“All I’m saying is that technically it's a good plan” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “Shut up, we’re not faking our deaths.”) _

He searches around again, desperate to see any confirmation that this is recent enough that could know if there was a chance Jesse was still alive. All that greets him is bare ground, broken down parts of orange and white plastic; nothing that could prove that Jesse is okay, that any of his brothers are okay. 

Was he too late? Did he fail already? It's funny, he’s supposed to be a medic, someone who keeps people alive; it feels like all he’s done since he was decanted was help people  _ die.  _

He knows he needs to keep himself calm, he’s been a medic for long enough to recognise the signs of someone both going into shock, and having the start of a panic attack. He needs to step away, and he needs to  _ think,  _ and he needs to  _ breathe.  _ But his chest feels like it's going to cave in, and his hands have never felt wetter with unseen blood, the blood of brothers  _ he wasn’t good enough to save.  _

_ (“You’re going to be fine, trooper.” _ _  
_ _  
_ _ “I trust you sir.”)  _ _  
_ _  
_ They were wrong to trust him, the Captain shouldn't have trusted him,  _ Fives trusted him to save their brothers, and he failed.  _

He’s constantly aware of how badly his hands are stinging, knuckles bloody and red. He doesn’t want to be alone, he doesn't want to do this anymore. He needs to find troopers, needs to find the Jedi, needs to find  _ someone  _ familiar. 

He spots a cracked visor half buried in the dirt across from him, he feels a choked sob tumble its way out his chest. 

He so desperately wants to be wrong, maybe his brothers are out there still, this was just a divergence. He can..he can go try and find them, see if he can help any others. 

_ (Deep down he knows what’s happened, knows that somehow his worst nightmare has happened and he can’t remember it; deep down he knows he’s alone.)  _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hahah :)) yeah I'm Still messed up about That, so ofc I'm making it worse-
> 
> come chat on tumblr!! (@forestgreengirl)


End file.
